Destroy All Mary Sues!
by Red Mage Moogle
Summary: DEATH TO THE SUES! Flames welcome! Rated for some coarse language.
1. It Begins!

**Destroy All Mary Sues!**

by Red Mage Moogle

I saw a few antiSue fics and had to do one. DEATH TO THE SUES! Flames welcome. **FLAME ME, DAMMIT!**

On with the show, kupo!

* * *

_-Cyril, The Prancing Chocobo-_

Marche of Clan Nutsy was sitting around in the bar waiting for a new mission to pop up when...

"Hey Marche! I got a mission for you!"

Marche walked over to the counter and read the mission paper.

Mission 301 – MS Hunting

HELP US! Muscadet is being invaded by idiots! Someone get up here and kill them!

--Random Streetear

Marche was now laughing like a heathen. How wrong he thought...

_-Muscadet, Outside Spina Lodge-_

"NO! NOT THEM!"

They weren't just idiots..they were Mary Sues! WTF?

A Sue approached Marche and Montblanc. She had silver hair, a GORGEOUS face, a leather suit, and huge breasts that she would probably get back pains from.

"LEIK OMG! I'm like, Angel Star Stellar Shimmering Sexy Moonlight! I wan 2 join ur cl4n! I HAV GR8 SKILLZ AND KNOW ALL MY ABILITIES OLOLOLOL!"

The judge appeared, looked at the Sue, and said calmly, "Do whatever you want, I'm too squeamish for this," and bailed.

Marche stabbed the Sue over and over with Ayvuir Red. "DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE--"

And then 27 more came out of the Lodge.

"LOLOLOLOL! We're the coolest chicks around, and, like, we're so strong, and like, gorgeous!"

Montblanc just lost it: "KUPOOOO! KILL THE SUESSSSS!" and fried them with a Firaga spell.

But now there were 124 of them emerging...

* * *

YOUR FLAMES ARE TASTY, KUPO! FLAME MEEEEE! 


	2. LOCKTHEDOOR!

**Destroy All Mary Sues!**

I only got one flame from someone who seems to overlook the fact that this is intended as HUMOR and not something offensive, you know who you are...to the rest of you, I knew you lurved me, kupo!

On with the show, kupo!

* * *

_-Muscadet, Ellen's Place-_

Marche and Montblanc rushed in and slammed the door, fumbling with the lock.

"LOCKTHEDOORLOCKTHEDOORLOCKTHEDOOR!"

Ellen was puzzled. "What's wrong with him?"

Moogle and viera stared.

"Seriously...it's THEM! THE MARY SUES!"

"What in the hell is a Mary Sue?"

The Sues barged in. "OMGOMG! Can we, like, buy stuff with all our money that we didn't work a day for and got from our rich daddies and stuff? LOLOLOLOLOL!"

Ellen nearly died on the spot while a worker barfed up a lung from just looking at the Sues.

"OMG! My name's, like, Inu-Star Celeste Solar Sunshine-sama! Can I, like, join you guys?"

"I LUV U MACHE! LOL!"

"KAN I HAV ITAMZ PLZ OMGOMG DID U RUN AWAY FROM THAT LAST BATTL? N00B!"

"GYAAAAAAAH!" Marche ran out screaming like a schoolgirl. Meanwhile, the barfed-up lung was growing tentaclesand strangling the Sues with them.

Ellen and Montblanc cheered. "LUNGY, LUNGY! WE LOVE YOU LUNGY!"

The first worker asked another worker (with his remaining lung), "Dude, your lung kicks ass!"

"Dude, I know!"

* * *

YOUR FLAMES ARE TASTY!

Next: The Sues invade Bervenia Palace!


	3. Sick Dude!

**Destroy All Mary Sues!**

HAHAHAHA! I got one flame from some dumbass I don't care about! Mmmm...tasty...

On with the show, kupo!

* * *

_-Bervenia Palace, Front Gates-_

Two Dragoon guards stood outside the palace.

"owww..."

"'Sup, Joe?"

"My hemorroids..."

"That sucks ass, dude."

"Wait, what's that?"

"OMG! OMG! IT IS THEM!THE MARY SUES!"

"JUMP ATTACK!"

They jumped and landed on the sues with a nasty squelch, blood splattering everywhere...

"Man that sounded nasty, but at least you got one!"

"I didn't..."

"Then what was that...wait...**sick dude**..."

The Sues spoke up. "Eeewwww..."

The first guard simply whimpered in pain.

_-Bervenia Palace, War Planning Room-_

"OKAY! These 'Mary Sues' are a force not unlike common monsters. So, just make the clans do it."

"But wouldn't that just piss them off even more?"

"**SCREW THE CLANS!** They can be our lapdongs even longer."

"Uh huh huh huh..."

"What?"

"Hehe, you said 'lap_dongs_'."

"Huh huh, yeah."

"Hehheh, lapdongs even _longer_."

Then the Sues came in. "OMGOMG! Like, what's this room, like, used for and, like, stuff? LOL!"

"LOLOLOLOL!"

"OH SWEET JESUS HELP US! WE'D FIGHT THEM OURSELVES BUT WE'RE GONNA PUSSY OUT AND MAKE THE CLANS DO IT!"

Suddenly tentacles choked them all.

Marche and the mutated lung stood there. "GREAT JOB LUNGY! You get a pizza."

Lungy ate the pizza. "BLERAGHRAG! "

A fangirl viera was standing nearby. "LUNGY! COME GET ME! I WANT TO BEAR YOUR CHILDRENNNNNNNNN--_choke!_"

Marche looked at the viera. Aww, she was a hottie, too. Even so, "Good job. I hate those $$$#ing fangirls too."

* * *

The lapdong joke came from a typo I had originally wanted to remove... 

**YOUR FLAMES ARE TASTY!**


End file.
